Well, this is something I have never been very good at. There is so much involved in taking care of yourself. It never really seemed like much of an issue until child number three has graced our lives. Hmmm.... Almost 9 years of marriage with 8 post college, five and a half of which have been spent raising children (and counting!). This all came into question last week when my loving husband, who meant no ill will, said to me "We need to go and get you some new clothes. Those seem to be a little dated." You see, I was coming out of Walgreens with yet another prescription for child #3's ear infection (she got tubes this week!!!) after meeting our family physician after church on Sunday.He was watching me walk back toward the car. I know I wasn't looking great, but it was one of my better outfit choices and his comments really hurt, though he meant to make me happy by telling me it was OK to go get new clothes. (I must stress that he is in no way the reason for my improper dress. The money is there and I am free should I ever wish to go get something. This is my own doing.)
I have always been at least average looking. I never really took much time in the mirror and have always been the only one in my family to enjoy being active. I guess the first time I ever took time to do something just for me was when I was 16 and made my parents drive me all the way across town to take classes once a week to become a lifeguard. I was probably 90 pounds soaking wet and have NEVER played any sort of sport. My family was into scouts, and other such things but no one could ever accuse us of being athletes of any sort. Needless to say, that class took all I had and then some to complete. The first night we were asked to swim "the 500" (meters) without stopping. I grew up swimming in a little L-shaped pool in a family friend's back yard. 500 meters might as well have been 500 miles. I recall praying to God the entire time, "Dear God, just let me not die or get called out of the pool. Let me be invisible to the big man with the whistle and just get through this!" Since then, I have learned that I CAN be an active person and live a healthy lifestyle. So much so that I majored in exercise physiology in college and now sport a worthless degree! ( I met my husband and knew that it was much more important to me to become a mother than to pursue a big career. Best decision I ever made. I have no regrets.)
Well, I have known for some time now that I need to spend more time on myself. The problem is that I just don't really know where to start! After three children, I am sadly carrying about 15 more pounds than I would prefer to have.( Just keeping the spirit of true honesty here!) It all comes down to time for ME. When am I to run with two little girls in tow? (N started school this past fall so that is one less kids to tote around.) I started running after kid #2 was born and after my husband had taken it up at work. It was successful and I got most of my figure back before getting pregnant with kid #3. In the fall I got permission from N's school to use the track behind the building in the mornings. I would pack up all three kids, drop off N, then circle back behind the building. I would get out the double jogging stroller, snacks, books, games, dolls, drinks, etc. to hopefully keep the kids happy so that I could run until they were climbing over the sides of the stroller screaming. Well, now its too cold for that and I'm struggling to find time to get in even an exercise video because A (kid #3) is now crawling and underfoot and K (kid #2) is a bit of a tornado and must be watched at all times lest HUGE messes be made in my absence. I'm hoping to start teaching a few exercise classes next fall at the local gym (to maybe use that worthless degree) but that is a long way away and who wants a fat teacher up front anyway? How does that make me credible?
Next, I'm not versed in fashion and have no idea how to shop for clothes that fit me. I am a "winter" in color choices that look good, or so I was told once long ago. I tan well and summer colors are much more fun, but I tend to look best in black, browns, and reds.*** I must take a moment here to note that my hubby and I have a deep commitment to living debt free. I fully believe that whatever money enters our bank accounts belongs to God and we should use as little of it for ourselves as we can in order to do as much with it for others that we can. How can you help others if you are still underneath debt? We are close to being there. (We were closer before a recent but necessary move. No regrets there either.)*** I have spent little to no money on clothing for myself in about a decade or more. I put myself through college so all money went to housing, books, food, etc. No new clothes. I rather enjoy buying little things for the kids or my husband (This is apparently my love language. I show love by doing small things for others.) and tend to overlook myself. I have bought a few things from the "unclaimed baggage" place not terribly far from here and the occasional Goodwill trip. I almost NEVER buy NEW clothes. I shop for the kids at the local bi-annual consignment sale. I have never had my makeup done for me and other than a few Mary K parties, never had anyone show me how. I didn't even wear make up until college, and even then it was rare. (Like Sundays and dates!) Still, I seems to have managed to get by and even seemed to have a surplus of guys in high school and college. But now that I'm getting older (let me state that I'm only 30) I have had several people look at my wedding photos and say something to the effect of, "My! You haven't changed one bit!" Is that a good thing or a bad thing? How do I look more like my current role of mother without wearing "mom jeans"? Or should I be proud that I take good care of my skin and, overall, of my body? I feel very guilty like I should be a better wife. Take more time in myself to look nicer for my husband. Wear make up and get dressed everyday. (Don't act like its unnatural for a stay-at-home mom to have a large wardrobe of gym-ready or even bed-ready daily attire!!!! It just comes with the territory! Who wants finger paints on a really nice pair of pants or snot wiped on a dry-clean only shirt?) I feel like I should care more, but don't know where to start. I have long hair that I often cut and donate to Lock of Love.(This gets me a great hair cut for free and I never pay to keep it up!) I rarely get it cut and NEVER use any salon-type chemical so dye it, etc. I often want to submit my own name to "What Not to Wear" just so that those two materialistic fashionistas will come and rescue me but I know that they would give me that $5000 visa card and I would feel far more guilty spending $200+ on shoes or a handbag when I could feed an army for that or send a kids to a christian school for that! How do I balance my obligation to God to spend His money wisely with my need to do better in this world and present myself a little nicer? I struggle with this often. I know I can lose 15 pounds! That's really not the issue though it would make shopping for clothing a lot easier. I have several pairs of jeans just waiting for me to get back into my non-mommy shape. They are folded neatly on my closet shelf and have been there since about month 3 with kid number 3. But my church clothes and tops are just sad. I would gladly turn over the whole lot to those show hosts without fight. I would be more embarrassed for others to know that was ALL that was in my closet. So, between ENT appointment for kid #3's ears and meeting hubby for lunch, I went to ROSS. I lugged two little girls through the dress section and into the changing room amidst glares for taking the cart into the handicapped fitting room. I ended up standing in line with two now-cranky little girls to purchase two (yes TWO) new dresses. I wore one yesterday and only got one comment from my dear friend. Even loving hubby didn't notice a new dress. Maybe I chose wrong...AGAIN. The other dress shall wait until I can get my tummy a little more under control. Its getting there, but I'm not so far gone that I'm willing to wear that dress just yet. Its actually my favorite of the two and I want it to fit just right before wearing it out. I want to feel pretty in it, not fat.
Sigh....these are the things that rack my brain when I have a few moments of peace. But then my head hits the pillow and I sleep for the hour before someone is crying in the night and needs my attention. They don't care what I look like. Only that I always come when called and lie with them when the boogy man looms in the corner. I guess I can still have my hair pulled back and my t-shirt and yoga pants on at 4 in the afternoon as long as they know that I love them...Can't I? Or am I slacking as a wife and mother? Do you struggle with the juggle? Let me know how YOU manage....
I struggle with this sometimes too.... Some days, I just don't care or just too busy with the kids to do anything about myself.
ReplyDeleteA year after my first husband's death, one of my friends kinda told me that I needed to get some new jeans. I thought that the one's I had on were just fine but, they didn't fit me right and I knew it but didn't want to admit it. My friend volunteered to go with me to a store and try on some new jeans *best decision ever!* and got two pairs of jeans and a top. I hadn't felt that good about myself in a long time and didn't realize what that small change could do. Granted, I'm not into getting the latest designs out there and all about living below our means (and like you, we are getting there). As for the doubt, don't. God calls us to be His temple which means we are to take care of ourselves and set an example to others. Salomon's temple was an outstanding testament to God and all His blessings to Solomon. We may not have the same monetary funds that Solomon had but that doesn't mean that we present ourselves to others in the drab either. :) We are to be God's light and that inner glow can only shine brighter when we feel good about ourselves and how we look to others and how we see ourselves. We moms are also setting an example to our children. R (who is now 8) could have cared less how I looked when she was younger but, now that's she a bit more conscientious about herself and who she is, it's good for her to see her mom feeling good about herself as well (and the occasional "Mommy, you're pretty" comments once in a blue moon) makes it worth the jaw-clinching times of change and getting out of the oh-so-comfortable yoga pants sometimes. :) You have the inner light so let it really shine! Go get 'em girl! <3 ya!