This post is probably not going to turn out the way you think so keep reading and stick with me. I have several reasons to post this particular subject next. Not the least of which is to thank my wonderful hubby for being so understanding and forgiving as I open up on such a personal level to both people I know and those that I don't but hope to. He knows better than anyone that I am about as real as they come, like me or not. He is correct in his analysis of this blog, that its not just about me, its about US and OUR lives. It will nevermore be ME, as we share our very existences in walk together here on earth; during our time of vapor! Therefore, I will try very hard to keep personal habits and personal conversations to myself. I am a firm believer that there are some things in a marriage that shall always remain just between the two of you. I just as firmly believe that you should NEVER have ANY secrets withheld from your spouse (with the occasional jewelry purchase, birthday or Christmas gifts being the exception). I have no secrets from him, and after a short time writing this I'm afraid that I will only have a few from each of you!
So, why do I love my husband? Let me count the ways..... I love him more with each passing day, month and year than I did on the day that we promised to share our lives together. He has taught me more about myself than I ever imagined possible. He is just as strong-willed and bull-headed as I am and I need that to keep me grounded. This often creates conflict but each conflict resolves a matter that had probably been bugging one or the other of us for a while. =) I think the first thing he ever taught me was that in order for us to even get married I had to NEED him, not just want him. Let me explain. In my previous post, I said that I put myself through college. This is no lie. I was 100% ON MY OWN from the age of 18 and I had to learn a lot of honest, horrible truths about the world that we live in. During the coarse of my parents' divorce I learned over a short period of time that not only was my father a long-term cheater, but so were many of the men that I had grown up respecting as friends of the family, and more importantly, so was a youth minister under which I had been led for a short time. If you can't trust a minister, who can you trust??? Who do you marry? How do you protect yourself from being cheated on? I decided that I would never marry. This was a hard decision as I am a loving, giving person and couldn't imagine being alone. But it was the thought of never being a mom that just crushed me. But I was determined. I knew that divorce was wrong so I just would never marry. Obviously there are a lot of flaws to this reasoning but I was young and stupid! So I dated a few men, got burned BADLY in one long-term relationship that went sour for lots of reasons. Then I dated a guy who just wouldn't leave me alone until I agreed to see him. I only agreed because he was funny and I needed a light hearted guy at the time to make me laugh. I thought that he would ultimately see that it would never work, but I was wrong. He wanted to get married and I BROKE HIS HEART! Its one of my deepest regrets to this day. I broke his heart because I met my husband....The one who realized that I wanted him but didn't NEED him. When then-fiance' dropped this bomb shell on me (strangely in the produce department on a quick shopping trip!) it quickly occurred to me that he was RIGHT. I had all these protective walls built that I had to slowly tear down. I had been independent for so long that I didn't know how to let go enough to actually NEED someone! I was able to ultimately make this change because I trusted him. Through his own past and things he had been through I KNEW (and still know without a doubt) that he will never, Never, NEVER cheat on me.
Well, I have gotten over those days in a complete turn around. I am a stay-at-home mother and I rely on him completely for the very necessities of life. I have no form of income on my own, though I have kept my name on all of our major purchases for the purposes of credit history, etc. I rely on him to listen about my day, to tell me that everything is ok, to keep our finances in order, our house in repair (or in our case, in constant reconstruction!!!). I rely on him to help with the kids and to love them as much as I do, to be faithful to me, to come home each day with a hug, kiss and a smile, and to put money into my account for groceries and everyday expenses. I am 100% dependent on him. I haven't questioned that since. Until recently....
There seems to be an ugly trend in our society where divorce among CHRISTIAN couples is on the rise. About a year ago I was rocked by the separation of one couple from our Bible class, then another,...and another....and still ANOTHER. Now, a friend of mine is finding herself in a position that is every stay-at-home mothers' worst nightmare. Her husband, for whatever reason, has decided he no longer wants her and has cut off all installments of money! She ignorantly let him buy and sell all the major purchases only to learn that her name isn't on ANY of the titles! She cannot access any bank accounts, other than her own empty one which he used to put money into. She has no idea what their financial state is and has no way of gaining any money without a job of her own. He is now bidding his time with minimum CASH payments to her of about 30 dollars at a time. Thirty dollars won't even fill your gas tank!!!!! She is a strong, "independent", intellectual woman who now is smacking herself because her parents raised her to never get herself into this position. How could she have allowed this to happen? How could she be so STUPID? Hmmm.....because she chose to be a Godly woman! She chose to leave the corporate world where she made good money, follow her husband across the country, and raise her family the way she believes God wants His children to learn!!!!! (I must state here that I mean no ill intent to all the working mommies out there. I actually have a lot of respect for you and have absolutely NO IDEA how you get it all done!)
This has been a harsh reality check for me and sends me spiraling to try to put up a few "safety nets" of my own. ...And then I remember. I trust my husband for all the same reasons that I did 8 1/2 years ago. I love him and he loves me. We have no secrets. We know all of each others' passwords and are welcome to check email, facebook, etc. accounts of the other should we ever chose to. And just as importantly, I remember the words written in Matthew 6:25-34 which tell us about worry and that God will provide for us and all of our needs. I know that these words should comfort my friend as she can trust that the church will be there to help her and support her (I must state that she has scriptural reasons to leave him should she choose) and friends to help her make it through. I do not need to build walls or security nets. I know that should something fall I have someone to catch me. And, God forbid, should something ever happen to my wonderful life-mate, I have the saints in the kingdom to hold me up and my Heavenly Father looking over me to guide my footsteps to solid ground. I love my hubby, for he gives me strength, love, and security that I'm confident I don't deserve. I rest easy at night and there is no greater gift he could wrap up with a pretty bow to put under the tree!
Oh geez, I have so much I could say on this topic. I think its so important for woman to talk about this subject. For the older to share what they have learned with the younger. I really feel like I could really learn alot from some older Christian ladies and I feel like I could really share so much.
ReplyDeleteI too come from a divorced family and my father did some cheating. I too thought I would never marry. Why bother if its just going to end in heartache? And let me just say that cheating is NEVER ok. However, over the years I have come to realize that it takes 2 to make a marriage fail. My mom will be the first to tell you that, that the way she treated her husband and her family was. not always the best. It is so important for wife's to know how God expects us to love and honor our husbands. Yes we play a huge role in teaching, loving, and caring for our children. But, I believe we forget sometimes that our husband's must come first. Yes, before the children. They need our undivided attention and love. There must be mommy and daddy time, without interruption from the little people. I think it's important that they see mom and dad communicate and how mommy needs to give love and attention to daddy too. As well as the other way around. What do I thinking is #1 in a marriage ..... communication!!!!! If you don't like something your spouse did or said that day, tell them. Sometimes we don't say anything because we don't want to hurt feelings, but if it bothers you, say it does.
You know the other thing us stay at home moms forget??? We need to look smokin hot sometimes for our husbands. Yes we have days of sweats and no makeup and don't really get out much, but we need to keep that flame hot for our husbands. No the kids could care less what clothes we are wearing, but dad is out there in the world and sees some good looking chicks. Lets remind him and show him that we are still hot too. Let me just say I have zero fashion sense too. Hahaha!! I do know tho that he doesn't want to come home to pajama clothes every day. I really need to do better at this one myself.
Ok, so like I said, I could go on about this one. And just like what the pediatrician says...... There are no 2 children that are alike. This too with marriages. What works for me and my husband may not work for the next couple. But what we should always be doing is learning how it could be better and it always can. My husband and I have an awesome relationship, but it also needs work. I am sorry your friend has found herself in this situation, but I know she has a team of awesome friends behind her and that with God's help her Christian family will get her threw this stage of her life. She is a good reminder that yes, we are stay at home moms, but we are grown women and we need to have our own stability and responsibilities.
I'm done!!! Shew!! :)